Kipling from India:
Weather exceedingly good. Beaches exceedingly good. Nightlife exceedingly good. Cake c**p.
From Florence Nightingale in Crimea:
Dear Matron. All a terrible mistake. In my letter I said I wanted to go to the cinema.
To remove the smell.
A goblet made by Apple.
A carpentry tool made by Apple.
Appalled at how much weight you’ve put on.
A state of the art book that burns itself.
One eighth of the final price.
Dave’s off sick:
Dave’s at one of my other jobs.
African Orange would suit this room:
I’ve got a whole bucket-load of it in my van.
I’m Sorry I Haven’t A Clue
Book to be published in October
Anne: The action of which Shakespeare play takes place between dusk on January 5 and dawn on January 6?
Contestant: A Midsummer Night’s Dream.
Anne: Name the long-running TV comedy show about pensioners: Last Of The . . . what?
Anne: Which actress was married to Humphrey Bogart, and is the also the cousin of former Israeli prime minister Shimon Peres?
Contestant: Gene Kelly.
Anne: What U is given to the name of a symphony by Schubert?
Anne: Which 1995 film starring Pierce Brosnan shares its name with a type of duck?
Contestant: The Living Daylights.
Anne: The adjective Rubenesque, meaning a plump, voluptuous woman, is derived from the work of which 17th-century Flemish artist?
Contestant: Aretha Franklin.
Anne: In which film did Harry Lime say ‘In Switzerland they had brotherly love and they had 500 years of democracy and peace. And what did they produce? The cuckoo clock!’?
Contestant: One Flew Over The Cuckoo Clock.
Build dams? One contestant mistook beavers for sheep
Anne: Which insect is often found hovering over lakes?
Anne: Which animals build dams and lodges?
Anne: In superstition, people salute which black-and-white bird when it is seen alone?
Anne: What insect has many limbs — the name would suggest 100?
Contestant: A giraffe.
Anne: In Italian history, in 1919 which former journalist set up the Fascist Party?
Contestant: Silvio Berlusconi.
Anne: In the 1940s, which politician was responsible for the welfare state — William. .. ?
Contestant: The Conqueror.
SCIENCE, MEDICINE AND TECHNOLOGY
Anne: In human development, what ‘B’ is the usual four-letter word for a newborn infant?
Anne: In medicine, the phrase ‘contagious disease’ literally means an illness which is spread by which of the five senses?
Anne: What is the branch of medicine concerned with women?
Anne: What force of nature is responsible for keeping the Earth, planets and asteroids in orbit around the Sun?
Contestant: Delta Force.
Anne: What is the name of the cord cut after a woman gives birth?
Contestant: Biblical cord.
Anne: A pain in the muscles or bones of the lower legs, often suffered by sportsmen, is known as Shin. . . ?
Contestant: . . . dler’s List.
Anne: In science, what is botany the study of?
Anne: In the Lord’s Prayer, what word beginning with ‘H’ meaning ‘blessed’ comes before ‘be thy name’?
Contestant: (quietly) Howard.
Anne: (incredulously) Pardon?
Contestant: (louder) Howard.
Anne: What word for an ancient Roman marketplace is also a site on the internet for open discussion?