Just want to take a minute and introduce myself properly to the group. I did not always feel like I do today. I will not bore everyone with too many details, let us just say that my anger was born during my preteen/ teenage years. Hating the whole concept of "God" and anyone who tried to control me, whether physically or emotionally. I set off on my path to separate my emotions from my logic decision making process. I will never be hurt or make a stupid emotional decision again, I told myself. soon as I could I ran, eventually I was living in the streets 5 states away from home, educational to say the least.
My 20's I employed my reason and logic skills and spent every opportunity to choke out my weak emotions. It was easy to do, all it took was intention and practice. Eventually I realized that there was a flaw with my plan, all the good feelings like joy, peace, satisfaction, patience, happiness, excitement, adventure.... they were all gone. I did not take into consideration that I would lose all of them. I had no idea how to get them back, so my anger and fear multiplied. Panic set in. I was supposed to be the one in control!! In my choas I lashed out at everyone, but none more than myself. I left a terrible wake of hurt people in my desperation to regain my power.
I was not alone, oh no, those feelings might have been gone, but they were replaced by anger and fear's many, many siblings. Rage. Emptiness. Bitterness. Scorn. Betrayal. Mistrust. Paranoia. Insecurity. Hate. Rejection. Confusion.....Despair. They kept me company every waking moment and at night in my dreams as well.
I went to the doctors who tried to medicate me and tell me their prognosis or labels. Bipolar..or maybe..Sociopath. Of course I resisted the controlling labels with denial of a problem.
Then one Christmas, I broke. I do not know any other way of describing what I experienced. I just terrified the entire gathered family at dinner, my rage at the state of my life came to the surface. I moved into a camper for a month and did not come out. I had to fix myself for Gabriel's sake, because if not I was going to lay down and die.
Thinking of my son Gabriel, I sat in that damn camper and realized that as a child I experienced the greatest happiness for a while, anyhow. Life was always an adventure. When you made a friend as a child, your whole life became more intense! As I thought back I realized I wanted to live that again, because I hated the sight of myself now. I defined what I wanted, I held it in my mind like a solid : I want to live a happy, simple life, in what ever form it chose to present itself. I created an intention to change myself and heal. To take back control of my mind and emotions.
I then realized that I really never paid attention to what was going on inside myself. I was the wolf, my powers of observation were fined tuned from years of survival, nothing happened around me that I was not aware of. No one could lie to me, except myself. I turned my observation to my own mind and heart, and thus began my journey to healing.
The only way I know to overcome fear/anger is to be conscious in the moment they are upon you, meaning to be aware of the universal truth that without them we would never discover courage or the depth of our inner strength. Breathe through it and let it pass through you in full awareness of what you are experiencing and who you are. Most importantly, courage is found when fear is faced and action is taken even in the grip of fear.
That personality is very much still there, because we are one and the same. That is who I am when I exist away from love. I make the conscious decision to be aware of all my thoughts and emotions, while being aware of the people around me as well. I choose what thoughts and emotions to feed. I am in control of this vehicle of experience. I am not perfect and I do rise and fall on the currents around me, but I will not stop moving, and if I keep my eyes up then I will reach the surface.
In my 30s now, and today my life is that adventure, and I have wonderful friends like you!