How do you really know if you are in an abusive relationship?

In my experience, relationships can be challenging and require work and maintenance along with the up side. Do you agree?

Depression can be the result of being abused or you becoming the abuser, or both. When both parties are committed to growth and work together, the benefits can be very satisfying, and can lead to a long lasting relationship. But what happens when one or both of you are abusive?
Emotional abuse is more difficult to detect than physical abuse and sometimes it is very subtle. The effects of verbal and psychological abuse can be defended often as “I am too busy…”, or “I have too many problems...”, or “I am very sensitive…”
There are some clear signs to look for if you suspect that this subtle abuse is happening in your relationship (or someone else's you care about): 

1. Verbal abuse may include: Name calling, put downs, sarcasm, preaching, lecturing, either publicly or in private. In a functional healthy relationship, you trust the other and feel safe to say your truth. You are able to express your feelings and needs and let your partner know when you feel hurt. If you cannot do this in your relationship, be aware that this could be a sign of subtle abusive behavior. 

2. Withholding information: This is what I call, the “walking on egg shells” syndrome. Do any of you not feel safe to say what you think because of fear that the other will react and possibly get angry? This could be any information you may want to share about your life preferences, finances or anything that is happening in your life.

3. Withholding affection or intimacy from your partner: When one of the partners deliberately withholds the love, attention or physical touch that his partner desires in order to control or punish the other. 

4. Being demanding of your partner: Demanding care, attention, sex or intimacy. Making unreasonable demands and trying to impose and force the other partner to satisfy your needs, disregarding their needs. Also, using threats, guilt tripping or shame, so that you get what you want.

5. Controlling your partner’s activities: If either of you gets angry or makes the other feel guilty about the activities they engage in outside of the relationship. If you cannot create a relationship where both partners feel free to have activities outside the relationship, open your eyes. An abusive partner may attempt to control the other’s access to education or jobs, or anything else that could help them be more autonomous and independent. 

6. Controlling your partner’s relationships: This includes any attempt to separate the other from friends and family members. When one of the partners gets upset and angry with the other for spending time with their friends and family, this could be a very important sign that you are in an abusive relationship. When you are isolated you cannot get any feedback or support from those that want to help and love you.

7. Using “higher causes” to control your partner: An abusive partner may attempt to make the other feel confused, wrong, crazy or paranoid, using religious, spiritual or moral concepts to alienate the other from their values, beliefs and needs.
If you think that you are “swimming in the waters” of abuse, stop for a moment and think about your upbringing and where you may have learned to be the victim or to abuse others, The children of abusive parents can replicate this template anywhere they go and will attract abusive relationships. Of course, this virus is also passed along to their children who will continue these same patterns unless they wake up to their behavior and “put a stick in the wheel” for good.

Get my FREE e-series on Emotional Healing which supports you in stopping these abusive patterns.

In awareness and presence,

Luis Diaz

Luis Diaz is an expert in the personal development movement and the creator of the CMR Process for healing and awareness He is also the author of the book “Memory in the Cells, how to effectively change behavioral patterns.” And many other valuable resources like e-books, CDs and DVDs.
He also trains and coaches people to improve their health and well-being through workshops, tele-seminars and private consultations.

Check out his work at
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Replies to This Discussion

I found this very enlightening and interesting.
This is so true. I was sexually abused at the age of five. I never told anyone because I was afraid of being rejected, however, I fell in to a pattern in my life where I was constantly searching for acceptance and love. I have since, been involved in nothing but abusive relationships. My marriage was subject to primarily physical abuse. When I escaped, literally, I vowed to breack the cycle. I thought that if you were in a relationship and they did not hit you or hurt you physically, you were in a good relationship... Since that, I found myself in two more abusive relationships where the men were drug addicted and manipulated me to suit their own needs. The last relationship ended three months ago and needless to say, we have two small children. I have set my sites on my higher self now... I am so finished with looking for love. I always knew that the love was inside of me but it never seemed to be enough... Today, it is... I am breaking the cycle, slowly... I have a lot of healing that needs to be done deep wihin myself but I realize that the love that I need, I already have... And the love that I want will not be right until I am completely healed from within... I am so grateful for the Angels, the Goddesses, and the Ascending Masters for their guidance...for nothing else has worked until now. I am also grateful for communities like this where I can share my experience and healing and possibly help others who are still suffering in their spirit... There are no coincidences. I believe that the angels are guiding me to deal with my toxic emaotions and I am well on my way to a wonderfully fulfilling life.
Hi Gretchen;
This is very common to find everywhere I go on this planet.
Based on my experience,
I wouldn't go into a new relationship for at least 2 years and give my energy to heal the old patterns that you are mentioning.
What do you think?
I completely agree. My spirit needs to be cleared. I have a lot of work to do on myself and I need to focus completely on me and my health... Physical, emotional, and spiritual. Thank You for your incite... I so enjoy reading your blogs. They are exactly what I need at this time in my life...
I am glad to hear that its been useful what I write. Thats the reason I write!
Did you get the eSeries on Emotional healing? They are free and you can get them at:

big hug!

Yes, I did! I just got the first lesson...


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