Hey all:

I got some venting to do. I have been in my previous relationship for 4 years. There were good times and bad.

Anyway, We met through the quest dateline and first date was at a movie called Kiss Kiss Bang Bang (an awesome show well worth owning.

It was "love at 1st sight* right? lol@me

it was so extaordinary the way it all went down.
One moment He loved me, he f***** me like I have never had before, our souls met, he said he could see the colors when I had an orgasm, he could speak to my cats and vice versa.....

suddenly there is this man drinking more and more every night becoming colder and more distant except at the new moon when he would suddenly "need me"....yes that is right! a sign of an abusive relationship.

Suddenly when He does want you there is no hot passionate soul swirling creation sex it is rough and mean and painful. step 2 down the steps(if you find yourself here, run!!!!!)

experience the first punch, still don't leave, hear the first I'm sorry. and repeat this cycle of chaotic hell every day in the life I woke in. I cannot sleep more than 4 hours a night unless I have gotten extremely drunk and then taken my pills. The thoughts the memories the flashbacks the pain, it is still eating me away on the inside.

A few weeks ago I finally dumped this man in every way for good. I was done with the "come here"
"go away" games. Still thinks of slitting her throat because it hurts so bad to let go of this man.

A week later an old friend came by said he had no where to go could he rent a room from me.
duh! of course I said yes, without hesitation. A friend in need. come inside my friend, rest, eat, relax.
It is just ingrained in me.

I just kicked him out last week becausee he only paid full rent once and partial the next. then he moved in some little tweeker b****!!!! I EXPLODED WITH RAGE???!!!!!

this was something entirely new to me. I very calmly told him to move, and then just as calmly told him they had to be out by tomorrow.

OMG i was terrified at his rage. but I followed him around yelling back (k if you know me, you know this is just not how lori behaves) He said I turned on him like a rabid dog lmao@paul

anyway, a couple days before that, I had met a man at the liquor store, named Kleen, I called in less than a couple hours.
He needed a place to stay for about a week, so I said "I got a couch."

Tension ensues, when another ex discovers that I have a man staying with me and the man who told me "I never loved you! You are disgusting! You are not bbw you are ssbbw and leave out one b." broke my heart in pieces more painful than any in my life,and as I said before, I have had a very tough life. I know I am not alone, I am sharing this for them, so they will share in return, and we will discover the way to let love be the creator and us the conduit for the power.

and next on sci fi channel ha ha ha

bored now!

my ex is coming for his big screen tv that has been left here since june when he left. and all sorts of other stuff that belongs to him. so my house will be empty.

I feel Hate, Rage, this terrifies me more than any of the rapes or beatings I have had in my life. I am a being of love. Unconditional, Life transforming love. How is it possible I can feel so angry inside and have such vengeful thoughts?

I don't know how it all turns out yet. He is coming to get his stuff sunday and I am freaking out a little bit. On the 1 hand I don't want to be here, because I can't stand the pain of seeing him, the chance that i might look at him and weaken and give in again to another apology both of us knows is s***!

woe is me!

lol so, alll yall please keep in your happy thoughts, I don't want much, just God, the Universe, Spirit...whatever you call it. To make me strong enough to take the pain, soften mikes heart enough that he doesnt take some of the stuff he promised to leave.

and Beg God over and over to stop my hate, i don't want to be that girl!
I get the Spirit flowing a little, and boom there is the next verbal or mental assault.

too tired to go on
too stubborn to not set myself free!

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Comment by whitewolf918 on November 1, 2009 at 12:56am
oh my Dearest LIghtWorkHeals, no better words, no truer words could have been spoken in this moment. I agree, the ascension, the healing of all is so much more important right now than my pain, however, I think sometimes, group consciousness being what it is that I am not alone, that is why I shared. Your words are balm to my soul. I was so terrified when all could feel was rage, hatred, vengence. This is simply not who I am. I am back to myself, I am able to forgive, I am packing his things with love and caring and light, blessing it all that it will be untainted by the negative history we created. It's all I know to do.

You are an amazing soul, thank you for reaching out to me to share your opinions, story, thoughts. I'd like to read those poems, truth be told prolly won't get to look them up until monday, I am packing his stuff tonight, they are coming to take it all tomorrow. I get my fresh start again, it's not so bad, it's not the possessions that matter to me it is the fact that my galactic signature is the white magnetic mirror......I created all these f***** up relationships, and I hit a wall this time, that has changed me forever. I don't know if it is good or bad. my whole life I was taught you put other people before yourself, but I see now, that is not correct, if you don't love and take care of yourself first, all you do is give all you have and be broken til you mend and try again. I see my pattern I love you for making it so clear, (well it was clear already but you sweet lady, put it in black and white :-D )

Live, Love, Laugh.
Comment by LightWork Heals on October 31, 2009 at 7:20pm
You want... need to Love...So here are some suggestions: Love yourself first. Set boundaries out of respect for yourself. Lower your expectations of others - they are not responsible for your happiness. Their life story... They tell you if you listen and observe (conditions and situations/choices they make about feelings/thought patterns) are an indicator of what they are manifesting. We are responsible for our happiness.

"If you always do what you've always done, you'll always get what you've always gotten." Albert Einstein also said..."The thinking that got you to where you are now [no matter how good it is] probably won't get you where you want to go."....

There is a pattern... there is a lesson in this... find it and move on. I prefer to be alone than in an unhealthy, unhappy relationship. This way I am available for the relationship I do want. I recognize signs now and don't lie to myself anymore. I can just accept someone where they are vs. where I know they can be.

You just LOVE so much and there is nothing wrong with that. Just connect with the Love Light inside until you are so full it overflows.... that overflow of love is what you can share with others in need. Your Love light will shine and attract the right partner for you. Show yourself the respect you expect of others, tend to your needs.

You attract what you focus your THOUGHTS/WORDS and FEELINGS on. You are attracting these people to you. Maybe it is not meant to be for romantic reasons. They are reflecting something to you. Maybe the lesson is for you maybe it is for them. Probably both.

I went through something similar, I can relate. I just had to "let him go" choosing not to participate in his quest for unhappiness. I recognized that he was not trying to hurt ME he was hurting himself and I was "there". Misery loves company and he found someone else to help him with that. I surround him in Light and Love all the time; remembering the love and not the pain. I know with time, at his own pace he will heal. I planted seeds of Love in him and made him aware of his Light and have to have faith it will grow and spread! (I still miss him terribly... but I miss HIM not his ego/mind...not the illusion he has created of himself this lifetime.) I connect with his higher self, the light I saw in him when I was 12 years old, I am surrounding it all in Light and Love. It is the only way I can survive the pain. Let him Go… he will never be gone. You just don’t need to be attached to him.

You seem like you see the Light in them and you see their greatness but they aren't aware of it and they do not remember who they are. People think that the darkness is inside and they are afraid to look there but the reality is they are outside of themselves feeling seperate in the darkness...out there alone. They are looking for someone or something that will make them happy and feel safe. Inside is where the Love is... it is the place where the universe unites... we are never alone. Inside is the Light that chases away the illusions... the darkness cannot defeat the light. Darkness is the absence of Light.

I think my poems 'No Longer Broken'' and 'Heaven or Hell?' will say it better than I can. I hope what I said helps. It was intended to and I am willing to try again if not. I have learned so much I have so much to share.

My only desire is that the planet heal NOW. I am grateful for our healthy planet and its inhabitants are healing NOW... feel the LOVE vibrations>>>???? I am healed, you are healed, we are healed. The planet is healed.

You are stronger than your mind. Focus you thoughts on gratitude, compassion, and Love! Expect what you want to see and feel show up in the world... look for it everywhere. spread it from your heart through your eyes into the eyes of everyone and everything you see as if your eyes are like lazer beams. Imagine the world sees through your eyes. What do you want the world to see/feel?

Discard the fear based thoughts <--> feelings cycle. Replace them willfully, even if you have to chant something affirming your desire. Negative feelings area lower vibration and Love feelings are lighter.

Breathe in "I am Love, I deserve Love". Breathe out "All is well, I am at peace". Do you notice how you feel? Where do you feel it? The vibration of what you FEEL are connecting with like vibrations creating the conditions we are perceiving. It is a choice... you can choose to focus on and feel whatever you want to... this is your experience.... Heaven or Hell? ;-)

The Light is within me, the Light surrounds me, I am the Light.
The Light is within you, the Light surrounds you, You are the Light.
We are the Light. We are never really separated… that is the illusion.
We are ONE.


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