I got some venting to do. I have been in my previous relationship for 4 years. There were good times and bad.
Anyway, We met through the quest dateline and first date was at a movie called Kiss Kiss Bang Bang (an awesome show well worth owning.
It was "love at 1st sight* right? lol@me
it was so extaordinary the way it all went down.
One moment He loved me, he f***** me like I have never had before, our souls met, he said he could see the colors when I had an orgasm, he could speak to my cats and vice versa.....
suddenly there is this man drinking more and more every night becoming colder and more distant except at the new moon when he would suddenly "need me"....yes that is right! a sign of an abusive relationship.
Suddenly when He does want you there is no hot passionate soul swirling creation sex it is rough and mean and painful. step 2 down the steps(if you find yourself here, run!!!!!)
experience the first punch, still don't leave, hear the first I'm sorry. and repeat this cycle of chaotic hell every day in the life I woke in. I cannot sleep more than 4 hours a night unless I have gotten extremely drunk and then taken my pills. The thoughts the memories the flashbacks the pain, it is still eating me away on the inside.
A few weeks ago I finally dumped this man in every way for good. I was done with the "come here"
"go away" games. Still thinks of slitting her throat because it hurts so bad to let go of this man.
A week later an old friend came by said he had no where to go could he rent a room from me.
duh! of course I said yes, without hesitation. A friend in need. come inside my friend, rest, eat, relax.
It is just ingrained in me.
I just kicked him out last week becausee he only paid full rent once and partial the next. then he moved in some little tweeker b****!!!! I EXPLODED WITH RAGE???!!!!!
this was something entirely new to me. I very calmly told him to move, and then just as calmly told him they had to be out by tomorrow.
OMG i was terrified at his rage. but I followed him around yelling back (k if you know me, you know this is just not how lori behaves) He said I turned on him like a rabid dog lmao@paul
anyway, a couple days before that, I had met a man at the liquor store, named Kleen, I called in less than a couple hours.
He needed a place to stay for about a week, so I said "I got a couch."
Tension ensues, when another ex discovers that I have a man staying with me and the man who told me "I never loved you! You are disgusting! You are not bbw you are ssbbw and leave out one b." broke my heart in pieces more painful than any in my life,and as I said before, I have had a very tough life. I know I am not alone, I am sharing this for them, so they will share in return, and we will discover the way to let love be the creator and us the conduit for the power.
and next on sci fi channel ha ha ha
my ex is coming for his big screen tv that has been left here since june when he left. and all sorts of other stuff that belongs to him. so my house will be empty.
I feel Hate, Rage, this terrifies me more than any of the rapes or beatings I have had in my life. I am a being of love. Unconditional, Life transforming love. How is it possible I can feel so angry inside and have such vengeful thoughts?
I don't know how it all turns out yet. He is coming to get his stuff sunday and I am freaking out a little bit. On the 1 hand I don't want to be here, because I can't stand the pain of seeing him, the chance that i might look at him and weaken and give in again to another apology both of us knows is s***!
woe is me!
lol so, alll yall please keep in your happy thoughts, I don't want much, just God, the Universe, Spirit...whatever you call it. To make me strong enough to take the pain, soften mikes heart enough that he doesnt take some of the stuff he promised to leave.
and Beg God over and over to stop my hate, i don't want to be that girl!
I get the Spirit flowing a little, and boom there is the next verbal or mental assault.
too tired to go on
too stubborn to not set myself free!