Think you are ready to have children? Hilarious new parent test taking mummy  blogs by storm MIGHT just put you off...

  By Bianca London


Most broody mothers see having a child as a  wonderful gift from God but one anonymous blogger has set about putting paid to  that ideal.

A candid new parent test highlighting the  high and lows of motherhood is taking the internet by storm after being reposted  on countless mothering blogs.

The test - 14 steps to follow before you have  children - was recently posted on Mamami by Chet, who was sent the parenting  test by a friend.

Think you're ready for motherhood? Read this hilarious blog and reconsider that

Think you're ready for motherhood? Read this hilarious  blog and reconsider that

Chet said: 'Most people will tell you that  "it" is the hardest, most rewarding, rollercoaster job you will  ever have -  there's no pay, you are on duty 24/7 and, at times, it seems like there are few  rewards.

'Being a parent has its ups and  downs. I  wouldn't change my title as "mummy" for anything in the world,  however when  this came through my inbox from a great friend it made me  laugh (a  lot!)'

If you think you are ready to embrace the  joys of motherhood, we have printed the 14 tests here to see if you are really  up to the challenge..

Test  1: Preparation

Women: To prepare  for pregnancy

1. Put on a dressing gown and stick a beanbag  down the front.

2. Leave it there.

3. After 9 months remove 5% of the  beans.

Men: To prepare  for children

1. Go to a local chemist, tip the contents of  your wallet onto the counter and tell the pharmacist to help himself

2. Go to the supermarket. Arrange to have  your salary paid directly to their head office.

3. Go home. Pick up the newspaper and read it  for the last time.

Prepare for pregnancy by attaching a beanbag to your front says the blog

Prepare for pregnancy by attaching a beanbag to your  front says the blog

Test  2: Knowledge

Find a couple who are already parents and  berate them about their methods of discipline, lack of patience, appallingly low  tolerance levels and how they have allowed their children to run wild.

Suggest ways in which they might improve  their child's sleeping habits, toilet training, table manners and overall  behaviour.

Enjoy it. It will be the last time in your  life that you will have all the answers.

Test 3: Nights

To discover how  the nights will feel:

You can kiss goodbye to precious beauty sleep as soon as you have a child

You can kiss goodbye to precious beauty sleep as soon as  you have a child

1. Walk around the living room from 5pm to  10pm carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 4 - 6kg, with a radio turned to  static (or some other obnoxious sound) playing loudly.

2.  At 10pm, put the bag down, set the  alarm for midnight and go to sleep.

3. Get up at 11pm and walk the bag around the  living room until 1am.

4. Set the alarm for 3am.

5. As you can't get back to sleep, get up at  2am and make a cup of tea.

6. Go to bed at 2.45am.

7. Get up again at 3am when the alarm goes  off.

8. Sing songs in the dark until  4am.

9. Put the alarm on for 5am. Get up when it  goes off.

10. Make breakfast.

Keep this up for 5 years. LOOK  CHEERFUL.

Test  4: Dressing Small Children

1. Buy a live octopus and a string  bag.

2. Attempt to put the octopus into the string  bag so that no arms hangout.

Time Allowed: 5 minutes.

Test  5: Cars

1. Forget the BMW. Buy a practical 5-door  wagon.

2. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it  in the glove compartment. Leave it there.

3. Get a coin. Insert it into the CD  player.

4. Take a box of chocolate biscuits; mash  them into the back seat.

5. Run a garden rake along both sides of the  car.

Test 6: Going for a  walk

The hilarious blog post details a new parent test for broody mothers

The hilarious blog post details a new parent test for  broody mothers

a. Wait.

b. Go out the front door.

c. Come back in again.

d. Go out.

e. Come back in again.

f. Go out again.

g. Walk down the front path.

h. Walk back up it.

i. Walk down it again.

j. Walk very slowly down the road for five  minutes.

k. Stop, inspect minutely and ask at least 6  questions about every piece of used chewing gum, dirty tissue and dead insect  along the way.

l. Retrace your steps.

m. Scream that you have had as much as you  can stand until the neighbours come out and stare at you.

n. Give up and go back into the  house.

You are now just about ready to try taking a  small child for a walk.

Test 7: Conversations with children

Repeat everything you say at least 5  times.

Test 8: Grocery Shopping

1. Go to the local supermarket. Take with you  the nearest thing you can find to a pre-school child - a fully grown goat is  excellent. If you intend to have more than one child, take more than one  goat.

2. Buy your weekly groceries without letting  the goat(s) out of your sight.

3. Pay for everything the goat eats or  destroys.

Until you can easily accomplish this, do not  even contemplate having children.

Feeding your child isn't as easy as it looks according to the test

Feeding your child isn't as easy as it looks according  to the test

Test 9: Feeding a 1 year-old

1. Hollow out a melon

2. Make a small hole in the side

3. Suspend the melon from the ceiling and  swing it side to side

4. Now get a bowl of soggy cornflakes and  attempt to spoon them into the swaying melon while pretending to be an  aeroplane.

5. Continue until half the cornflakes are  gone.

6. Tip the rest into your lap, making sure  that a lot of it falls on the floor.

Test 10:TV

1. Learn the names of every character from  the Wiggles, Barney, Teletubbies and Disney.

2. Watch nothing else on television for at  least 5 years.

Test 11:  Mess

Can you stand the mess children make? To  find out:

Are you up to the challenge of parenthood asks this hilarious blog post

Are you up to the challenge of parenthood asks this  hilarious blog post

1. Smear peanut butter onto the sofa and jam  onto the curtains

2. Hide a fish behind the stereo and leave it  there all summer.

3. Stick your fingers in the flowerbeds and  then rub them on clean walls. Cover the stains with crayon. How does that  look?

4. Empty every drawer/cupboard/storage box in  your house onto the floor and proceed with step 5.

5. Drag randomly items from one room to  another room and leave them there.

Test 12: Long Trips  with Toddlers

1. Make a recording of someone shouting  'Mummy' repeatedly. Important Notes: No more than a 4 second delay between each  Mummy. Include occasional crescendo to the level of a supersonic jet.

2. Play this tape in your car, everywhere you  go for the next 4 years.

You are now ready to take a long trip with a  toddler.

Test 13:Conversations

1. Start talking to an adult of your  choice.

2. Have someone else continually tug on your  shirt hem or shirt sleeve while playing the Mummy tape listed above.

You are now ready to have a conversation with  an adult while there is a child in the room.

Test 14: Getting ready for work

1. Pick a day on which you have an important  meeting.

2. Put on your finest work attire.

3. Take a cup of cream and put 1 cup of lemon  juice in it

4. Stir

5. Dump half of it on your nice silk  shirt

6. Saturate a towel with the other half of  the mixture

7. Attempt to clean your shirt with the same  saturated towel

8. Do not change (you have no  time).

9. Go directly to work

You are now ready to have children.  ENJOY!.

Views: 147

Replies to This Discussion

Not only is this is true !  Thanks for sharing..laughed so hard!

Ha Ha  LOL

It is very funny, Trevor but, there is that grain of Truth running through it all!

Mind you the little baby DOES look very sweet!

I laughed over everyhing but also ...

Sing songs in the dark until  4am.

Thank you for reminding me how much more peace there is in my life now!

Pauline - PS The baby DOES look sweet though ...


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